My Valentine’s Week in Detail

The Last two years, really, my calendar ran like 12, 13, 13½, 15, 16 etc. But this year is a year of change. A year of casting all my fears away and facing to whatever comes my way. Fear has made me give up on promising opportunities (which I do not necessarily regret) but still wonder what season two would have been like.

So this year, I decide to retain the14th on my calendar. Nevertheless, the week starting 10th is already being alot to handle. We all know people start coming up with funny alibis for the 14th Feb as soon as the new-year sets in. Smart people always plan ahead.

February 10th: Monday
This is how the conversation goes with Ongom;
Him:    So when can I see you?
Me:      When you have time.
Him:    Uhm Wednesday oor... oooor or Unnh... Friday?
            Nonononoonononononono, not Friday.
            Friday No No.
            Maybe Saturday?

At that moment I know am single again. Acknowledging facts is the first step in healing. I resolve to just listen to music and keep sipping some milk through an Amarura bottle until dusk.

11th: Tuesday
Never Date (hope to) anyone in the opposition. Even for friendship, just don't. They take it too seriously and end up opposing every important or irrelevant thing. He is called Martin but he prefers Mantini that's if you are to be in his good books. Mantini because it makes it easier to identify with the locals, chaotic crowds, katemba supporters, and them viceversa. Mantini is a grass roots name, really; a bottom-up name. The people feel him, he feels them, when his name is pronounced that way.

Mantini is going to be sulking all week. So he says. Because the NRM have nominated YKM to represent them in the 2016 elections.  He says, " it is ridiculous for M7 to even blush to this fact. It is erroneous, rotten, dextrosinistral, despicable. cantankerous, embellishing,  thwarting, manovelent, egrarious, abhorrent, hideous, extraditious. He says these terms to me. Some, I find strange. He says them as if they were coming from his hands and limbs. As their movement keeps rhyming with the sound.  He repeats the same terms, in the same order, to his grassroots friends when they arrive at his apartment. 

He says he has lost the mood for the whole week. That his political will is so damn low. He has declared the weeks mourning. That he will fast all kinds of sweetbies.
Everything I like.

Cake. Chicken. Pizza.  Icecream. Lavishing money. Shopping.

It is a time of mourning. He says we shall only eat of bitter herbs that they will help numb his frustration. I think of Mato Oput even though I have only read about it. I think of the Aloe vera plant in his compound and I wish to brush my teeth with chocolate at the thought of its bitter everlasting taste on my tongue.

I just know he is opposing me in his own style. He is opposition, after all. Of course, he knows valentine’s day is coming up soon. But he says it's too bad this week collided with M7's nomination.

12th: Thursday
A message pops up from Gutzy. His real name is Oguti Zakayo. Kudos to me of course, I coined the Gutzy name. However, most of his female friends pronounce and spell it like they were the masterminds behind it. That is arrogant of them. Their texts flow like, 'hey Gùhtzyë (read Gatzai),  worrup?' Then the neo-modernists, the teenagers, type and read as Gh'zye and G'zai respectively.

It's really alarming, these teenagers. And I know he hates it. Because where as the girls make it sound romantic, the 'brotherhood' (as his friends dubbed themselves) associate the modernist pronunciation with the school, Gayaza aka Gyza. They tease him, they blackmail him, they torment him; make his life miserable. He avoids them at all costs. He likes me because I pronounce his name as 'Gootzee'. Because the Goot reveberates with the 'Gut' in his name, Oguti. The sound identifies with his real name. He likes it.

Him: hey bebey?
Me. HEY, HOW ARE YOU DUDEY?
Him. Am okay. So ki ekiliwo? what's going sideways?
Me: NURRAP.
Him: Naye why did you chill your WhatsApp bebey? Okimanyi 100shs per texts is not that funny.
Me: I KNOW RIGHT. BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL BE BACK SOON.
Him. Fine then. Oba have a nice day bebey.
Me. YOU TOO GUTZY AND BTW FRIDAY IS VAL'S DAYYYYY.  YOU BELLER BRING IT ON.

Gutzy all of a sudden is splitting with fire. I have never known this temper of his. He says I'm despising him, insulting him, insensitive, relegating him, selfish.
I couldn't understand where all this was coming from. I had to ask.

Him: How dare you address me in caps?  You think I don't know where to find them. Do I look blind that I can't read lower case sentences? Am I an idiot? Did you really have to insinuate that am slow? For you when you look at me, I look like those Bahima friends of yours?

Me. Ooh so is this about the caps?
Him. Just can't stand you rightnow.

Recounting events from previous days, I conclude that the thought of Valentine’s day is really a turn off to many guys.  Has Dudey just noticed the caps ever since the conversation started?


13th: Thursday
I encourage my friends to break up. Indirectly. By doing nothing about it.

Susan Hue and her Nigerian boyfriend Emeka JohnBosco. (While you thought JohnBosco was a Ugandan name). These two have been on logger heads for the last six months. I don't even know why they trust me with their issues. Kash says I have lugambo. But in your own opinion, do I have lugambo? I mean, if I had it, I would probably have told you all the issues this couple has entrusted me with. Fine, maybe it’s because I don't even recall them because when Hue starts to talk, there's a blockage in my ears. I just nod my head masquerading that I gerrit.

JB called me earlier on. He is currently in his village. That he went to cool his head and will only board the next flight to Uganda if Namukasa (so called Susan Hue) agrees to settle things with him.

He swears: if 'Ife mi' no call or no text me tamorrow. Nawaw! Chineke be mai witness naao. Chineke be m..... I go no step back on Uganda landoh, you de hear me, Usom? You de hi mi? Am almost sure he is pulling his ears as he says this. By the way usom means ‘my sweetie’, and Ife mi -my love. You didn't know, right?

I call Hue. Before I even say hi, she is already on the second line of her ranting about her relationship.
Her: .....so you babe this nigerian man am giving him up to tomorrow. If he doesn’t settle things by then. We are done.
Me: I support you all the way my dear. Anything you say! 

I can only imagine what will happen tomorrow. You see I can be trusted. I didn't report one to another. Both parties can confide in me. If you are having relationship issues and you want someone you can trust. Don't hesitate.

14th D-day
Okay, I know this is gonna sound oba how... but yeah.  So no one has invited me for a date.  All my male friends are nowhere to be seen. So I start counting the coins in my piggybank and there is 32,050ugx. Wow! Am amazed. So finally am gonna buy myself cake and have the best day with my big love. The plan is, after I buy it, I sneak into the house without my sister and brother noticing. Their sweet teeth are rather too sweet.

I can't buy a full cake now. The lady has told me the cheapest is 50,000ugx. Of which buying that means walking back home.

I head to HoatLoaf Jinja road with the intention of getting myself 6 pieces of cake each at 5k.

While still in the taxi, I check my facebook inbox and there is this local guy offering me lunch. He says he is at shoprite lugogo. Eeeyi, I had just reached the Nakawa taxi park. Later, I drop out of the taxi and join him. Oh, I referred to him as local because he spells my name as Groria even when the correct spelling is right on his screen. His grammar is also very terrible. Unforgivable.

So I meet the dude. You know those people who make you keep scanning around to see whether anyone you know might notice you with them? That's Chan. By the way why does he call himself Chan? SMH

Me: Hey, (I refuse to say that name.)
Him: Eh you come? Sot it was for jox jox.
Me: mmmmstchw.
Him: enehaw, for me has just pay waiter, almost gone.
Me: calls the waiter. Uhm, chicken Burger and one piece of chicken
Him: eh, he nodes his head.
Me : atte what?
Him: lemi fas go for a sotiko
Me: You better be coming back.

When he had just walked out, that's when it dawned on me he was never coming back. I started wondering how I was going to tell the waiter to remove the piece of chicken or probably the burger instead.

He brings the food and even my appetite has also hidden. I ask him to pack it for me.
He brings the food together with an S2 he had been given to charge telling me it’s for my so called friend.

Me: er waiter, keep that phone safe. He is coming back to pay and then he gets it. But if he doesn’t come, you can buy it at the price of this bill. Give it to a girlfriend maybe?

HIM: oooh
He says with the most perfect smile as if envisioning his girl’s smile when he hands it to her later on in the day.

That S2 was totally clouding his mind. I felt it was a chance to exploit.

Me: Actually, pack for me other 7 pieces of chicken, only thighs, and ofwono of coke and Fanta.

If the waiter is going to rip so much off that phone, in this case long lasting 'love', I decide I should also have some memories of that day.

My takeaway arrives. Much as I won't bother with cake, I'm glad I really showed Chan what 'jox jox' can tantamount to.

Like you all, I wish I would know what will happen in season two.

Will Chan return to the restaurant for his phone?

Will he find when the waiter has already given it away?

Will he post on my wall embarrassing me?









Comments

  1. Hahaha......jox jox. Wish the venue was that KFC outlet so u could pack that 'bucket' full of chicken thighs

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lo this is fantastic! Can't wait for season 2

    ReplyDelete

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