Someone Teach Me how to ‘be surprised’: I’m a Mukiga!

I have been surprised by many things before and in fact overwhelmed by some of them. But, may God damn the day I failed to get surprised as I should have. I disappointed a lot of people that I love. To be clear, the previous times I have been surprised by things, I think I was alone. So perhaps I laughed out loud, or shook my head and then the rest of the surprise digestion took place in my head; wondering how something could have happened with my eyes open and yet not figured it out. Like in the movies, they usually surprise me; so when am watching movies, I work out conspiracies; I replay suspicious parts so that I get the actions and words right. I want to work out what’s coming next so that I don’t be caught by surprise as if I would lose a million dollars which I don’t have if I did.  However, I love when the movie gets me off guard. I get to think about what I could have missed, I try to figure it out in my bed and it’s what takes me to a nice slumber, sometimes taking the calculations further to dream land, where am usually the main star.

Someone teach me how to be surprised properly especially in public places. In other words, not to be surprised quietly but expressively like when, in the movies, a lady gets surprised with so much excitement when her boyfriend proposes to her, or buys her a car. Then she screams out so loud that you can imagine her lungs dancing too. Something like that. It’s so absurd that their surprise act is more convincing than my real naturally unexpressive way of being surprised.

Sometime back, my tights surprised me with they something I total love; I could cancel appointments for it at any given time, I could betray my responsibilities or tell lies unconsciously because of it (stop guessing what it could be). But there it was, in front of me, they all waiting to see how I would react. I had no idea I was to scream or step on public chairs and attract everyone’s attention. Instead I was ashamed that I didn’t know what exactly to do, apart from digest the beautiful aura it brought, shriek inwardly and feel blessed that my friends thought of me in that way. And then almost at once, they had all lost it for me. They spoke their minds of how they expected something from me, anything that expressed surprise, in vain. I had utterly ruined their evening to only regret – I think.

See why I need surprise lessons? Also, someone remind my friends that I’m a Mukiga! Bakiga may well be known for speaking their minds and calling a spade a spade but to the same extent, the level of expressing emotion differs with bad or good emotion. It’s much easier for them to ‘express’ anger than surprise. In as much as surprise may be felt intensely, personally I haven’t seen a Mukiga shed joyful tears or scream in public. Tears may approach the eyes but a Mukiga never sheds a tear in public. Naturally or controlled, eswagger ly’abakiga can’t let that happen.  

To be on the safe side, am ready to be a Born Again Mukiga. I’m ready to learn how to be surprised in public, perhaps some acting lessons? I need to act in a Kinauganda as a poor house gal who is overworked and beaten that she has to cry all the time. Who is in love with a rich politician (who loves her back) but they can’t be together because of social status. And he ends up marrying a female doctor because their families together would make a good business partnership. Then I would have to cry and cry and cry. But wait, this is suffering not surprise. No, I need to be that female doctor in the script who gets married to the rich politician who buys me flowers every evening from work. And with every flower, I have to act very surprised, because apparently he is the only man that gives me flowers every day. (As if he isn’t my only husband.)